Its almost a year how do you celebrate mothers day with one huge missing piece

Hello everyone! I know its been awhile again



Lately people have mentioned "how are you doing I know his birthday is getting close"



And the answer is different based on my mood that day.




>Today for example if you asked me how I was doing today it would be a BAD BAD day. I am actually practically in tears as I write this. I have been off and on to tears all day. Not just because tomorrow is mothers day and I miss my sweet boy SOOO MUCH.
But also because of the emotional roller coaster my family has been on lately.
There is nothing like a 1am phone call to meet your Cousin(whose like a sister) at the gas station to take her kid so she can rush her husband to the ER who is having bad reactions to the Chemo he received that day.



When you get this scared little 7year old who cant stop repeating over and over "I am so scared, I am so terrified is my daddy going to die today Tonya"..and you dont have a straight answer for this fragile heart..because the truth is NONE of us know if we will die today.
I couldnt lie to her and say he's going to be all right because I dont know if he will. All I could do was promise her SHE was going to be all right because NO MATTER what happens we all were going to take care of her.
I dont know what hurt worse watching my son take his last heart beats in my husbands arms or listening to that scared little girl CRY herself to sleep in the next room.




Now some of you are probably thinking right now.. wait a minute did she just promise her she was going to be alright even tho her dad might die. I know what you some of you are thinking but I have been there and even tho I hurt EVERY single day.. I AM alright.
I have Jesus he loves me and someday I WILL see my son again.(even tho my daughter claims to see him NOW and often)




anyway so that is where I am on a roller coaster. I am just taking each day, day by day. That is really all anyone can do.
I have surrendered to the fact I am not 100% in control and I need to LIVE my life and not wallow in what I can not change at this moment.




Kayla amazing little ball of energy has managed to keep me VERY busy, with school, sports, dance, girl scouts




In just 10 short days my angel would have been 1. I am surrounded but 1somethings every single day. Lots of 1st birthday celebrations lately and it sucks. I never will get to have a party with messy baby to wash cake off of. I wont get to hold him and blow the candles out for him or watch as grandmas pass him around giving birthday kisses. It is also a reminder there will be no first steps, words, days of school, proms, graduation, weddings just me a picture and a few 3D hand and foot molds.
Would he have been a teacher, a doctor, or in the electric/lighting biz like his daddy. Would have been the all star sports boy his daddy has always dreamed of or would he have been the glee/drama geek just to make daddy miserable.




Could this post get any more depressing.. well it could but I will stop and end on happier notes.




1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This has always been my very favorite bible verse ever since I was young. I never knew why this was the one that would just be so special. I choose it to be read at Korbin's service...after all it was LOVE that brought him to me, LOVE that choose to give him a fighting chance, LOVE that surrounded him at his birth and peaceful depart. and LOVE that surrounds our family EVERY single time he is a thought or even just because.
I choose the new international version because i LOVE that it uses it
PROTECTS.... it is what protected us to get us through the blessed horrific ordeal
Trusts.. it is what gave him the chance my trust in the Lord
Hopes... i had hope it would be alright no matter what
perseveres.. because it DID Love in the end WON!! We didnt let the Devil fool us with false promises we let LOVE guide us. Jesus gave me that love when he choose death to give me life.. eternal life.






So I end with saying thank you all again who have showered us with that love. It really is what makes the world go round.

If you have not heard of the sweet miracle baby Nora..please visit her blog and read it will really brighten your day and give you a smile and maybe a smidgen of hope if you so need it

http://iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com/






For those mothers out there I wish a happy mothers day. And for the ones like me who are missing a part of their heart in the flesh tomorrow I wish you peace, understanding and LOVE. For I know the heartbreak you will feel.



finally Next sunday May 20th at noon we will be having a Balloon release ceremony grave side at Korbins grave to honor him and say a few prayers. We hope that many of you can make it. There is an event page on Facebook please RSVP so we can have enough balloons
Thanks again everyone!! <3

Oh how one little thing can change your life FOREVER

By little I am talking about a 4lb 3oz sweet baby boy, i miss EVERY single day.

So its 15mins til the 28th of February. A year ago today Me, Chris and Kayla left our home a VERY happy family of 3 on our way to find out what sex our 4th Member would be.

Little did we know our worlds were about to be turned upside down.
35mins after arriving to what was supposed to be a routine gender scan ultrasound.
We didnt leave a happy 3. But instead we left one angry, one terrified and one little one so very confused and scared.
I will never forget the feelings as I googled "hole in my babies skull"

I dont get to visit his grave as much as I used to and that saddens me (winter hrs are shorter)

Tomorrow is going to SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know I have not blooged in a LONG LONG while. Last Tues my Son would have been 9M old and like the months before I cant help but to think of all the things a 9th old should do.
People have asked a LOT lately how we are and commented on the fact I havent blogged.
I am sorry I havent. It has mostly been because I have simply been very very busy.

We DID survive the Holidays. We actually had a very nice Christmas and New Years. We stayed home Christmas morning just us and it was really nice. We also stayed home on NYE with a few close friends.
I'd be lying if I didnt say there were some tears shed but we made it through together.

For those of you who havent heard I AM unemployed. After all that our family had been through last year my parents decided it was time to retire and enjoy life... and rightly earned. (BTW their building still is not even finished repairs from fire)
Although it has been tight for us i have faith the Lord will provide and so far he has in different ways.
I have gotten to spend more time with Kayla, and my sister which is awesome. She just had her 4th adorable little girl. (and moved into their new home)

Kayla has been busy with Girl Scouts (I am the co-leader for her troop) and she LOVES IT, Dance and her Faith studies at Church.
She has lost 6 teeth now. Pretty soon she will have none :O

Chris has been busy at work

We FINALLY after 2yrs painted our house, well the 1st floor anyway. I love it!

I have been busy planning a benefit for my dear sweet Cousin's family. Her husbands cancer that wasnt cured in 2009 has spread. I am hoping to help them with the many medical bills they have gotten over the last 8yrs with his cancer and triple bypass. (see my facebook event page if you'd like to help its going to be a GREAT family event)


All and all we are getting by. We truly appreciate all your love and support you have given us this past year. With out which I am not sure we could have survived

The number one question we get all the time is are we still going to try again.
The answer is YES and hopefully SOON I have been struggling with my weight gain and trying to lose. So stay tuned maybe in the future there will be GOOD news.


I think that is all for now. hopefully I havent forgotten anyone or anything important in our lives.

We love you all!!

~Tonya

6m seems like a lifetime

Its November 22nd and today my son should be 6m old today. 6m is a Huge milestone for an infant. The pain of thinking about all the things a 6m can and should do is horrible. Sitting up, crawling, starting foods. I would trade any of that for a beating heart on my chest in my arms :(
Christmas shopping is not fun this year, it feels like there is someone missing we are shopping for ... and there is. It makes it even harder that there are a few babies on our list close in age

I have no idea how I am going to survive the holidays. On the days I think about Korbin for even a minute I want to start bawling. This is going to sound horrible except to those who "get it" because they have been there but most days I purposely try to forget Korbin. If I dont the pain can be just down right CRIPPLING.
We really wanted this baby we planned and tried for awhile. It wasnt an Uh-oh its just not fair I know I sound like a whinny kid but its not and it sucks.

We kept saying we are trying again no matter what. I said what really are the odds of this kind of thing happening twice...um apparently higher than i thought b/c i have met numerous people it has happened too MORE than once. They are all good people too


I have just been trying to stay busy especially with Kayla..trying to enjoy and not miss any of that stuff with her. I am sure for her sake I will hold it together for Christmas but inside I will be screaming.

I had this whole blog written out in my head a couple of days ago but I am so exhausted right now I cant think of really what to write.


I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and gets to spend it with their families.
There are MANY things God gave me that I am thankful for and My family ranks up there #1 <3 Psalm 34:1 I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

Happy slobering Halloween

Please dont mind the woman who may be crying as the kids are trick or treating....

Its the dreaded "1st" Holiday! ok so many people dont count Halloween. That is obvious by the amount of Christmas deco that has been in stores for WEEKS.
But it is secretly one of my very favorite Holiday's. It sometimes trumps Christmas.. ok sometimes.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything about it. I have even had the pleasures of hosting a Halloween Bridal shower and a Halloween baby shower (not the same couple lol)
I love seeing all the little kids all dressed up
I love that us adults get to be kids again and dress up.
I love the fun decorations.
I LOVE the parties
I LOVE the crafts
I love all the FALL fun stuff
I LOVE the fun foods.
I love that my kid goes out and collects chocolate for me to eat..WHAT dont say you dont think the same :)
See whats NOT to love?

This Halloween just will NOT be the same. There is a huge hole where our family of 3 should be a 4.
I cant help but look at all the babies and wonder what would we have chosen to dress Korbin up as. I am sure no matter WHAT it was he would have been adorable. I would have wanted something to coordinate Kayla and I am sure Chris would have wanted some football player or something. The deciding vote would have been none other than Kayla.

People very often ask me how I am doing and the truth is we are "doing". Just doing to get by or on or whatever. We have been doing so much lately trying to fit in all the Fun Fall activities and Chris was out of town for 6days (that was ROUGH) its been a lot. Maybe too much b/c i cant even keep up with things around here.

Camp season is over we closed up yesterday. That was sad it was a nice year at our new place. We LOVE it lots of nice people and SOOO many fun activities. They had the last blast of the year a Halloween party Kayla sang ScaryOkee :) It was fun.

Today we went to KI for the last day. I won 2 tix YAY!! Kids had a BLAST.

As the Halloween season comes to a closing and Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner it brings a certain fear for emotions that I will probably be feeling then. As I know how I am feeling now.
I know it has only been 5M but I keep wondering WHEN is going to feel different.

yesterday marks 5M

So yesterday was 5M since we had Korbin.
Chris had been in Portland, Oregon ALL week. it was the longest he had ever been out of town and it was the LONGEST week ever.
After we picked him at the airport we went to HallZOOween we were had a really nice time. Daddy had been up ALL night catching flights home.

Last night (after daddy got a much needed nap) we went out to dinner to celebrate 3, 40th Birthdays for some close friends. It was a nice time and good to be out with friends and laughing.


Alot of you have asked whats going on with my parents building. This week they FINALLY started the clean up. EVERYTHING in the building had to be thrown out. They brought many dumpsters to clear it out.
They plan to strip the building down to the rafters and rebuild.
We are told this could take 3-4 months depending on weather. Hopefully it will be a painless process since it sounds to be a long one.

This week was an emotional one for me a woman in the encephalocele support group said hello and goodbye to her dear son on Monday. Then on Wed on of my very good friends had her sweet HEALTHY baby girl.

..And Just for FUN lets throw in a devestating FIRE!!!

First and most importantly NO ONE was injured!!

Ok so as many of you heard. The building my parents own that we have been operating our family business out of for 11yrs experienced a really bad fire yesterday. What wasnt damaged by fire was COMPLETELY damaged by water. The fire chief said it was @ 60,000 gallons of water to put that fire out. For those of you that dont live close by and didnt see any of it in person. That was THREE fire trucks with hoses on it for over an hour.
Our roof on the bldg is a flat roof ..if you have ever seen one of those it has a wall around the roof. This one is about 4Ft tall...and when they were done it was FULL...the bldg is about 40long and 15ft wide picture that.(like a public swimming pool such as phillips ..ON our roof)

and because the fire was ON the roof there were MANY holes so almost ALL that water went down into the bldg b/c as we all know what goes up MUST come down :(

Right after the fire was out one of the firemen said they would let us in soon to start getting some things out that could be saved...then not even 15mins later the water just started POURING down :( At that point it was not safe so they wouldnt let us in.
There are drains up there but of course they were clogged with Debris. It was much to dangerous for the fireman to try and get up there to clean it out since they couldnt see the roof (the water was to dirty)

It was all so emotional going from OH no we've lost EVERYTHING, to ok its really not THAT bad we're going be ok, to its not safe you cant go in and losing EVERYTHING again.
I really think I aged 10yrs yesterday I kept thinking all day this CANT be happening this has to be a dream.

First I want to say that The Fire Dept of Delhi (and other dept volunteers) were AMAZING yesterday. I didnt make it there til the fire was almost out. But they did an amazing JOB as some of you saw the pictures on TV the whole roof was engulfed in flames it was BAD!!

They believe what started the fire had to do with the heat process the roofer was using to put on our new roof. They said something got too hot underneath the new roof where they were using the torches and just smoldered all night til it finally took off in flames.
The guy felt so bad and stayed all day to help with whatever he could.
He kept saying you guys are so calm I would be so mad at me.
I looked at him and said "accidents happen! Stuff is simply that just stuff. If you knew what my family has been through already this year you would understand as devastating as this all is it is MINUSCULE compared to that."


The year of bad luck started last year when my parents dog drowned in their pool. Then my mom was hospitalized with Pneumonia and shortly after that she was mugged at walmart where her purse was stolen by some thug.
That all happened in Oct of 2010. I am PRAYING that our year of bad luck is coming to an end

I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but man as some friends said yesterday he either is testing us for sainthood or has some REALLY big confidence in our family!

I would like to look back in 10, 20yrs and have this be the year we can say our family outshine..not just survived. That we persevered above all the darkness and made it b/c we STUCK together. That it will be a story we can tell our grandchildren of how with LOVE and FAITH you CAN make it through ANYTHING.
There have certainly been downs but we have had some up. We have a LOT to give thanks for. We have had more family and friends show love and support this year than most people see a WHOLE LIFE TIME. And there is not enough "stuff" in the world that could over value that!



Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things
Colossians 3:2

4 months down only the rest of my life to go...

So today marked 4 LOOOONG months since We held Korbin in our arms.
I remember that day O so CLEAR. I remember the anxious, excited, SCARED to death feeling.
Excited b/c I could NOT wait to finally meet face to face my sweet precious boy. To hold him in my arms kiss him smell him tell him I LOVED him.
I never gave up hope that we would get to keep him. When he came out I remember the NICU nurse saying excited with a smile "we got a strong heartbeat here" not until I heard her say just 30 or so minutes later "his heart rate was decreasing" I will never forget that I can still hear her voice in my head..I have no clue what she looks like. I dont remember she could pass me on the street I would never know..unless she spoke :( These are words that will HAUNT me forever.
"If" I get pregnant again I know I am gonna be on PINS and needles the WHOLE time...right down to wheeling me out of the hospital again.
I dont think people understand when something traumatic like this happens how it can affect your WHOLE life.
Yesterday we had an employee we had to let go at work he just wasnt working out and MANY MANY customers were complaining about him. He then made SERIOUS, serious threats on me and my dad. It was such a LONG stressful day. The me eight months ago would have laughed and probably hung up on him. The me post Korbin panicked called the police, cried, locked the door and had paranoia all day. Now I watch my back EVERYWHERE I go. Tonight I went for a quick walk with Kayla in our neighborhood...just across the street to the woods to collect leaves. I left the garage open and the door unlocked normally I wouldnt think twice about this but when we returned I FREAKED thinking what if someone got in and was hiding.

I have been told by others it does get better WHEN> I am patiently waiting but it doesnt seem to be even inching that way.

This evening I got a very touching email from a woman who helped us during pregnancy and after birth (strings of pearls) She has emailed me EVERY month just to let me know she was thinking of us. She must have TONS Of people who contact her daily for support I have NO IDEA how she keeps up with all of it. Most of our family and friends dont remember (or at least they dont say anything) It was really nice of her. Her Daughter Pearl had a terminal diagnosis also :( I guess she just knows how bad it SUCKS!!

That is all i have for now I know its all bad news. I have been told lately the endless bad news is getting old and people are sick of hearing it. Sorry I wish I had better news..BELIEVE me I wish I did.