So today marked 4 LOOOONG months since We held Korbin in our arms.
I remember that day O so CLEAR. I remember the anxious, excited, SCARED to death feeling.
Excited b/c I could NOT wait to finally meet face to face my sweet precious boy. To hold him in my arms kiss him smell him tell him I LOVED him.
I never gave up hope that we would get to keep him. When he came out I remember the NICU nurse saying excited with a smile "we got a strong heartbeat here" not until I heard her say just 30 or so minutes later "his heart rate was decreasing" I will never forget that I can still hear her voice in my head..I have no clue what she looks like. I dont remember she could pass me on the street I would never know..unless she spoke :( These are words that will HAUNT me forever.
"If" I get pregnant again I know I am gonna be on PINS and needles the WHOLE time...right down to wheeling me out of the hospital again.
I dont think people understand when something traumatic like this happens how it can affect your WHOLE life.
Yesterday we had an employee we had to let go at work he just wasnt working out and MANY MANY customers were complaining about him. He then made SERIOUS, serious threats on me and my dad. It was such a LONG stressful day. The me eight months ago would have laughed and probably hung up on him. The me post Korbin panicked called the police, cried, locked the door and had paranoia all day. Now I watch my back EVERYWHERE I go. Tonight I went for a quick walk with Kayla in our neighborhood...just across the street to the woods to collect leaves. I left the garage open and the door unlocked normally I wouldnt think twice about this but when we returned I FREAKED thinking what if someone got in and was hiding.
I have been told by others it does get better WHEN> I am patiently waiting but it doesnt seem to be even inching that way.
This evening I got a very touching email from a woman who helped us during pregnancy and after birth (strings of pearls) She has emailed me EVERY month just to let me know she was thinking of us. She must have TONS Of people who contact her daily for support I have NO IDEA how she keeps up with all of it. Most of our family and friends dont remember (or at least they dont say anything) It was really nice of her. Her Daughter Pearl had a terminal diagnosis also :( I guess she just knows how bad it SUCKS!!
That is all i have for now I know its all bad news. I have been told lately the endless bad news is getting old and people are sick of hearing it. Sorry I wish I had better news..BELIEVE me I wish I did.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
108 and days to go...(but whos counting)
Ok I am and believe me I AM going to party like it's 1999 come New years...next year has GOT to be better!!
Yesterday I went to visit my son the cemetery had called the marker was FINALLY installed (pic below) It was sad and sweet all at the same time.
It is the only thing we ever get to "buy" for him :(
Also yesterday my Moms life long (since kids) good friend passed away. She had a long and tiresome battle with Kidney disease. I know my mom is heartbroken :(
Monday I went for my 3M post delivery check-up. All went well I said I guess I see you for the yearly and she said "yes but I hope to see you sooner" with a smile. So to me that was the "all clear" to try again. Which we will be doing here SOON!
I would be lying if I didnt say I am scared SHITLESS, since genetics told us it could very well happen again.
I am not sure if I posted in the last updates but Good Sam had "accidentally" threw out the cord blood my OB had collected for Childrens Genetics. The woman we were meeting with had called just a dew days after our last appt to tell us.
Well apparently no one had informed my OB and the look on her face was shock, disappointment and anger i could see it, and I KNOW how she felt :(
I said maybe we were meant to never have 100% answers. She replied (with a smile)"ya know and if I know you, the answers wouldnt have mattered you were trying again 100% right?" and yes she is right :)
So far Kayla is doing "OK" in Kindergarten. We are having some stay seated issues with the bus so pray she doesnt get kicked off lol
I had so much more to say but i forgot now. I really need to update more but sometimes i just dont have the energy.
This one shows the vase which we went ahead and ordered too
Yesterday I went to visit my son the cemetery had called the marker was FINALLY installed (pic below) It was sad and sweet all at the same time.
It is the only thing we ever get to "buy" for him :(
Also yesterday my Moms life long (since kids) good friend passed away. She had a long and tiresome battle with Kidney disease. I know my mom is heartbroken :(
Monday I went for my 3M post delivery check-up. All went well I said I guess I see you for the yearly and she said "yes but I hope to see you sooner" with a smile. So to me that was the "all clear" to try again. Which we will be doing here SOON!
I would be lying if I didnt say I am scared SHITLESS, since genetics told us it could very well happen again.
I am not sure if I posted in the last updates but Good Sam had "accidentally" threw out the cord blood my OB had collected for Childrens Genetics. The woman we were meeting with had called just a dew days after our last appt to tell us.
Well apparently no one had informed my OB and the look on her face was shock, disappointment and anger i could see it, and I KNOW how she felt :(
I said maybe we were meant to never have 100% answers. She replied (with a smile)"ya know and if I know you, the answers wouldnt have mattered you were trying again 100% right?" and yes she is right :)
So far Kayla is doing "OK" in Kindergarten. We are having some stay seated issues with the bus so pray she doesnt get kicked off lol
I had so much more to say but i forgot now. I really need to update more but sometimes i just dont have the energy.
This one shows the vase which we went ahead and ordered too
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