and today was.....

All and All it was a good day for me. I know Chris struggled a bit :(
I did have Kayla with me most the day and most of the time you cant help but laugh or smile at the stuff that comes out of that kids mouth :)


This afternoon Kayla and I went and bought a fresh bouquet to put on his grave and her and I just sat on the bench by his grave. It felt like 15mins we both just sat there quite..and for those of you that know Kayla that was a BIG DEAL!!!
She said mommy I really miss him. I said I know honey but someday soon we will see him again. She said I know mom like when I am a teenager.. I instantly FREAKED and said Kayla how could you say something like that I dont want you to die as a teenager...
she said ... (in her matter of fact voice) Mom I mean when I am a teenager and I can come here to visit all by myself...
Awe my heart sank she meant when she gets to drive she would go visit how sweet

We had family over for Dinner and just hung around. We had a cookie cake Kayla insisted and we sang and Kayla blew out a candle..she also insisted.
Some people might think that is weird. Actually I was one of those people. I had a friend in high school and I remember being at her house once when it was her brothers birthday(who had died) and hey had cake and sang happy birthday to him. I remember thinking how WEIRD that was and wondering if something was mentally wrong with them..I was young and I just DIDNT get it. I do now. To that friend if you are reading and know who you are I am truly, truly sorry for ever having those thoughts.

I didnt cry at all today. It was odd at times I wanted too but I just felt so peaceful. Maybe it was the over pour of support and prayers.
It was amazing and I felt it and used it.
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support it really means a lot.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!!!

One year ago at this very moment I was laying in bed having what I swore was labor pains. I remember walking downstairs to tell Chris and he thought I was nuts "you still have 7wks you cant be in labor you are just worrying go get some rest" He said.
By morning the pains where 15mins apart he could tell by my face I wasnt imagining them. As we raced to the hospital I remember being so scared and excited at the same time. I knew today was the day I was going to get to HOLD my baby.

It is truly a day I will NEVER forget almost our whole family was there..and even a few friends.

For those of you that couldn't make the Balloon release sunday I would like to share with you the poem I wrote for Korbin- (thank you to my BFF Julie for reading that i know I couldn't have)

My Angel Baby
To my little angel in the sky
A year ago mommy had to kiss you goodbye
I didn't want to let you go
But you made me a better person I just want you to know
Because of you there is nothing I'm scared to do
even if missing you makes me blue
So my beautiful baby boy
every birthday there will be no toy
no laughs, hugs or kisses
only the warmth of your touch mommy and daddy misses
so patiently we wait til the day we are rejoined

I never got to leave the hospital with you
take you home or on trips to the zoo
see your smile, or hear your cries.
or spend hours looking into your blue eyes
All I have are dreams of you,
those of which, will never come true.
My heart sank the day that I knew,
I would never get to raise you.
I had made plans, and had aspirations,
if only I had a little more patience.
I never thought the Lord would take you
away from me so soon.
But, I'll never forget that dismal day,
The day I knew something was not right,
and through many tears I would have to fight.
Now, all I do is dream every night,
about what life would have been like.
To the lord I had sworn
to carry you all the way home
and all we can do is mourn.
because we know you're where you need to be,
even though it isn't here with me.
You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.
Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.
None of my dreams for you will ever come true,
because of that day God chose to take you.
But, my angel baby you will always be,
in my heart forever, forever a part of me.






here are the many pictures people took.(thank you everyone)

Its almost a year how do you celebrate mothers day with one huge missing piece

Hello everyone! I know its been awhile again



Lately people have mentioned "how are you doing I know his birthday is getting close"



And the answer is different based on my mood that day.




>Today for example if you asked me how I was doing today it would be a BAD BAD day. I am actually practically in tears as I write this. I have been off and on to tears all day. Not just because tomorrow is mothers day and I miss my sweet boy SOOO MUCH.
But also because of the emotional roller coaster my family has been on lately.
There is nothing like a 1am phone call to meet your Cousin(whose like a sister) at the gas station to take her kid so she can rush her husband to the ER who is having bad reactions to the Chemo he received that day.



When you get this scared little 7year old who cant stop repeating over and over "I am so scared, I am so terrified is my daddy going to die today Tonya"..and you dont have a straight answer for this fragile heart..because the truth is NONE of us know if we will die today.
I couldnt lie to her and say he's going to be all right because I dont know if he will. All I could do was promise her SHE was going to be all right because NO MATTER what happens we all were going to take care of her.
I dont know what hurt worse watching my son take his last heart beats in my husbands arms or listening to that scared little girl CRY herself to sleep in the next room.




Now some of you are probably thinking right now.. wait a minute did she just promise her she was going to be alright even tho her dad might die. I know what you some of you are thinking but I have been there and even tho I hurt EVERY single day.. I AM alright.
I have Jesus he loves me and someday I WILL see my son again.(even tho my daughter claims to see him NOW and often)




anyway so that is where I am on a roller coaster. I am just taking each day, day by day. That is really all anyone can do.
I have surrendered to the fact I am not 100% in control and I need to LIVE my life and not wallow in what I can not change at this moment.




Kayla amazing little ball of energy has managed to keep me VERY busy, with school, sports, dance, girl scouts




In just 10 short days my angel would have been 1. I am surrounded but 1somethings every single day. Lots of 1st birthday celebrations lately and it sucks. I never will get to have a party with messy baby to wash cake off of. I wont get to hold him and blow the candles out for him or watch as grandmas pass him around giving birthday kisses. It is also a reminder there will be no first steps, words, days of school, proms, graduation, weddings just me a picture and a few 3D hand and foot molds.
Would he have been a teacher, a doctor, or in the electric/lighting biz like his daddy. Would have been the all star sports boy his daddy has always dreamed of or would he have been the glee/drama geek just to make daddy miserable.




Could this post get any more depressing.. well it could but I will stop and end on happier notes.




1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This has always been my very favorite bible verse ever since I was young. I never knew why this was the one that would just be so special. I choose it to be read at Korbin's service...after all it was LOVE that brought him to me, LOVE that choose to give him a fighting chance, LOVE that surrounded him at his birth and peaceful depart. and LOVE that surrounds our family EVERY single time he is a thought or even just because.
I choose the new international version because i LOVE that it uses it
PROTECTS.... it is what protected us to get us through the blessed horrific ordeal
Trusts.. it is what gave him the chance my trust in the Lord
Hopes... i had hope it would be alright no matter what
perseveres.. because it DID Love in the end WON!! We didnt let the Devil fool us with false promises we let LOVE guide us. Jesus gave me that love when he choose death to give me life.. eternal life.






So I end with saying thank you all again who have showered us with that love. It really is what makes the world go round.

If you have not heard of the sweet miracle baby Nora..please visit her blog and read it will really brighten your day and give you a smile and maybe a smidgen of hope if you so need it

http://iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com/






For those mothers out there I wish a happy mothers day. And for the ones like me who are missing a part of their heart in the flesh tomorrow I wish you peace, understanding and LOVE. For I know the heartbreak you will feel.



finally Next sunday May 20th at noon we will be having a Balloon release ceremony grave side at Korbins grave to honor him and say a few prayers. We hope that many of you can make it. There is an event page on Facebook please RSVP so we can have enough balloons
Thanks again everyone!! <3