So Far off the plan we had for our life...

a friend made this statement tonight and OH BOY is it ever the truth!

last night the funeral was so hard emotionally and physically (my legs almost gave out at the end when Chris and I went to sit down)
But at the same time Chris and I were in awe and AMAZED at the amount of people who came, but also stayed for the service.
You will all never know how much that TRULY meant to us.

It was SOO weird to both of us when we sat down in that couch to face the Cherub (name for baby coffin) with the curtians behind it, the lights and flowers. I just cant describe the feelings other than it was surreal

The service was beautiful!

Afterwards Chris , Kayla and I took a minute to reflect and say goodbye (for now)

Then we gathered at our clubhouse...and thank you EVERYONE who brought, food, drinks, paper products and whatever to make that happen.
Thank you to my pregnant sister who stayed (with my BFF) til after 1am to clean up and take stuff home for us.

It was hot but a BEAUTIFUL day


Tomorrow morning with just our family we go to bury Korbin at his final resting place. He will be put in a baby garden at the cemetery, we had thought about getting our plots now and putting him between us but it all happened so fast that never happened. He should be happy there tho he will (sadly) be with some of our friends kids.
I will post a picture of him for those of you that couldnt make it to the

service

Daddy's new tattoo

Miss you buddy

The beating heart gets his angel wings....

Most of you already know by now from word of mouth or Facebook but
We are both sadden and joyed to tell that our sweet sweet BEAUTIFUL baby boy has made is final journey into the arms of our Lord :(

I know it has been 17days since our last blog post so I will backtrack for a minute here so you can follow better, I'd say understand but we am still struggling with that one.
The Monday before this past (16th) We had our weekly routine u/s and the Fluid was still 1.1...VERY low. The heartbeat still strong as ever. It was actually a nice visit were the Dr and I had a nice talk maybe even an understanding. I had made it clear from the beginning that I was in it for the long haul ..no matter what that entailed. That while he had a heartbeat I would carry him until the Lord took him. And just like the rest of us we didnt know when that would happen or how.
We talked about me doing a little more since bed rest wasnt helping (3weeks of fluid being in the 1's was not a good sign)

So we went home and decided to ENJOY him while he was kicking. We went to the ice cream shop as a family. On Friday it was a beautiful day so I took my TWO kids to the park we enjoyed the sunshine for a change (rain sucks)
On Saturday I woke up to find I had been spotting. I called my OB and she said unless I was having pain or contractions some spotting was normal.
At Midnight I went to go to bed and told Chris I "thought" I was having contractions and they were exactly an hour apart. By 7am I had woken up to find those pains I thought were contractions were now 15mins apart.
So in the car and on the way to the Hospital we went.
By the time we got there my contractions were now very strong (damn painful lol) and where now only 2-3mins apart. They checked me and I was almost 5CM dilated. There was talk of trying to stop the contractions for steroids and it was decided that his little body and heart probably wouldnt handle that and his chance of being born still was greater
They rushed me off to Labor and Delivery where I received my epidural immediately.
We waited for the NICU to pull all our files from Childrens Hosp and the last U/S scans from the Seton center. They came to talk to us We all decided as a group that he would not be vented right away. Chris and I did NOT want a machine keeping him alive. The plan was if he was still going strong after 1hr on his own he would be rushed away then and all efforts to assist would be made.


At 5:56 Pm Korbin Matthew Soldano entered this world at 3lbs 4.2Oz, 14 1/4 inches long, DARK curly hair, and the bluest eyes I have ever seen. He never did take a breath although he tried with all his might and a little under an hour he was received in the hands of God!
In that hour (and even the hours after) he was surrounded by more love than some people feel in their whole life time.
We prayed to God for the chance to hold our sweet baby and whisper I loved you..he heard our cries and ANSWERED.

Kayla could NOT stop kissing him. Korbin also had an adorable tiny extra thumb which Kayla was AMAZED over and jealous b/c he has 6 fingers and she had 5. He lived only an hour and still managed to cause sibling jealousy.

Pastor Kathy came (THANK YOU) and baptized him it was beautiful.


The out pour of support and prayers has been more than overwhelming and we are ever so grateful.
I would be lying if I didnt say I held on to every ounce of HOPE until his heart took its last beats. But I also have comfort in the knowledge that he is with a greater power. Someone said to Chris and I that "he is in Great hands" I would like to think he would have been in "great" hands here with us.
Although I do not understand it I know there was a greater purpose for my son and we do know he is in GOOD HANDS!!

Again Thank you EVERYONE for your prayers, SUPPORT, gifts, cards, Meals, house cleaning, yard work, help with Kayla Donations...the list of help goes on and on
We feel truly blessed to have each and everyone of you
God Bless you all !!





1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

still not ready to give up hope

Hey all first I want to apologize for not posting an update for awhile now
as some of you already suspected, or know last week's appt was NOT a good one :(
I needed some time to process..

last week-
The fluid level drop again to 1.2
The Cele (sac) grew considerably to almost 6cm across
There is now fluid building up in his 4th ventricle of the brain...what does this mean well that is another condition called Hydrocephalus in which he will need something called a shunt to drain that fluid for him. For probably the rest of his life.
I also had slightly elevated Blood Pressure

So last Thurs I requested from my OB to send me back up to the Seton Center at Good Sam (they are high risk perinatal) just to see what they had to say.

So this weeks scan was there a level 2 which is a little more in depth.
The girl there really tried to take her time to get a good look at everything but the fluid was still only 1.3 and with hardly any fluid its really hard to get a good look.

my concerns were.....
kidneys are they working..and the answer was there is no way to tell on an U/S if they are functioning properly. They couldnt even find one of them :(

Lungs..are they developing with that low of fluid...the answer the only way to test lungs that is rarely done is an Amnio about 24-36hr before a scheduled delivery. For me there is no fluid so no point in trying that its a wait and see how he breaths when he gets here

Fluid level ..WHAT can we do...and again the answer was nothing. There is nothing to do but keep hydrating.


His measurements were even more behind this time his Femur,arm, head and stomach only grew by days instead of weeks. all measuring still around 28wks each now.
His now estimated weight is 2lbs,7oz (was 2#3oz) so he has only gained 4oz in 2wks time :( and doesnt even weigh 3# yet.

For those of you keeping track I am now 31wks pregnant

The cele is rapidly growing by a CM each week the last two weeks (which we believe is all fluid that is the good news) It now is 7.03 across by 5cm by 4cm




So now I am sure you are all thinking is there ANY good news ??
Well there are a couple of things
1..he still has a STRONG but decreasing heart beat
2..the blood flow from the placenta is still well in normal range
3..he WAS ACTUALLY trying practice breathing during the U/S she showed us how his diaphragm was moving up and down. There are a VERY SMALL percentage of babies who have survived with low fluid or water breaking early scenario's so there is still some hope for us.



I have been told there is nothing more that can be done for us during this pregnancy.
Its a wait til its time to deliver and see what Korbin can do.
I truly believe he will do what ever it is that he was meant to do even if that means becoming an Angel!
I am not giving up hope or the dream of taking my son home from the hospital, but at the same time we have started making more detailed plans for a funeral.

Chris and I really believe in the power of prayer and that is all we can ask for. Please pray with us.
Thank you all for your continued support
~Tonya