Korbin we love you and MISS you so much. Cant wait til we are together again.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Happy one month birthday my sweet Angel
Today is the 22nd just one month ago our angel was born.
Korbin we love you and MISS you so much. Cant wait til we are together again.
Korbin we love you and MISS you so much. Cant wait til we are together again.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Bringing home baby...Not!
So 4wks ago We left the hospital without our baby. For anyone who has experienced this my heart goes out to you. It is by far one of the worst things I have been through.
Being wheeled out of labor and delivery in a wheelchair , holding no baby. Past the maternity desk where the same nurse who checked you in just 24hrs before is still sitting. Sitting in the lobby waiting for your husband to pull the van up b/c there is already a mom and her newborn sitting outside waiting for their car.
Dreading the WHOLE ride home the first time you have to enter your home with the huge emptiness. Crying under your sunglasses as you sit there waiting. Asking to stop for ice cream to stall the inevitable.
Its a feeling I wish on NO ONE. I could never describe that panic and pain.
I will never forget it though b/c instead of having the emotional breakdown I was visioning in that car ride. We pulled up where we had to do a double take b/c someone had mowed our lawn. How nice we thought. Then we notice not only was it mowed but flowers had been planted and new mulch laid.
On top of that surprise my Mother, My Brother Bryan and his family were all sitting on the porch waiting for us with open arms. It was so nice to have them their for s SPLIT second entering the home I didnt feel sadness but welcoming love.
I dont think they will ever know how they saved me from a mental breakdown, and I thank god for that.
Recently people have commented on how well I look , or seem to be doing.
We have been keeping so busy I havent had time to keep up, meet up with friends or even think really...which isnt such a bad thing. I mean I am SAD, very sad inside but I HAVE to carry on I have Kayla. I cant spend my whole life moping around feeling sorry for myself it just wouldnt be productive.
There are also MANY people on my mind and prayers that keep me going too.
I thank god everyday for the blessings in my life...and I have MANY.
Being wheeled out of labor and delivery in a wheelchair , holding no baby. Past the maternity desk where the same nurse who checked you in just 24hrs before is still sitting. Sitting in the lobby waiting for your husband to pull the van up b/c there is already a mom and her newborn sitting outside waiting for their car.
Dreading the WHOLE ride home the first time you have to enter your home with the huge emptiness. Crying under your sunglasses as you sit there waiting. Asking to stop for ice cream to stall the inevitable.
Its a feeling I wish on NO ONE. I could never describe that panic and pain.
I will never forget it though b/c instead of having the emotional breakdown I was visioning in that car ride. We pulled up where we had to do a double take b/c someone had mowed our lawn. How nice we thought. Then we notice not only was it mowed but flowers had been planted and new mulch laid.
On top of that surprise my Mother, My Brother Bryan and his family were all sitting on the porch waiting for us with open arms. It was so nice to have them their for s SPLIT second entering the home I didnt feel sadness but welcoming love.
I dont think they will ever know how they saved me from a mental breakdown, and I thank god for that.
Recently people have commented on how well I look , or seem to be doing.
We have been keeping so busy I havent had time to keep up, meet up with friends or even think really...which isnt such a bad thing. I mean I am SAD, very sad inside but I HAVE to carry on I have Kayla. I cant spend my whole life moping around feeling sorry for myself it just wouldnt be productive.
There are also MANY people on my mind and prayers that keep me going too.
I thank god everyday for the blessings in my life...and I have MANY.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
4 weeks but who's counting.....ME THATS WHO!!
Ok so they say time heals, I guess only time will tell.
I cant believe that a month ago today (well 4wks) we were having our baby boy. I should still be pregnant right now.
First Happy Fathers Day to all the dad's out there reading this. Hope you had a wonderful day. We actually had a nice day. Started off with church where Kayla got up to sing with her friends all the fun songs she had learned this week at Vacation Bible school (which she loved), Then we did brunch with the Soldano Clan. After that was the Cemetery where we sat for almost an hour. Kayla turned the radio up in the car playing her VBS CD...she wanted to sing her new songs to Korbin. It was cute and heartbreaking all in one. After that was a stop at Chris's Great Uncle Pauls 90th bday celebration...that man is a trip we love him dearly.
Finally to my parents where the kids swam despite the COLD water and rain drops lol. It was nice to see the three of them (Maria, Kayla and Alex) all having a great time.
Chris will be celebrating his birthday on Tuesday I will leave the number out lol.
This week went by so fast and was EXTREMELY busy. Kayla and I didnt get home til after 9pm or later each night b/c of Vacation Bible school.
Chris and I actually had a date night Wednesday. It was really nice we hadnt done that in forever. We had dinner, saw a movie, then sat down on a bench at the levee by the river and just talked for a bit. After wards I found myself feeling guilty for having a nice time, which I have done a lot lately. I know that is silly. But I just cant help it. There is a HUGE part of me, of US missing. I know someday we will be reunited with that missing part in heaven.
Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go
I cant believe that a month ago today (well 4wks) we were having our baby boy. I should still be pregnant right now.
First Happy Fathers Day to all the dad's out there reading this. Hope you had a wonderful day. We actually had a nice day. Started off with church where Kayla got up to sing with her friends all the fun songs she had learned this week at Vacation Bible school (which she loved), Then we did brunch with the Soldano Clan. After that was the Cemetery where we sat for almost an hour. Kayla turned the radio up in the car playing her VBS CD...she wanted to sing her new songs to Korbin. It was cute and heartbreaking all in one. After that was a stop at Chris's Great Uncle Pauls 90th bday celebration...that man is a trip we love him dearly.
Finally to my parents where the kids swam despite the COLD water and rain drops lol. It was nice to see the three of them (Maria, Kayla and Alex) all having a great time.
Chris will be celebrating his birthday on Tuesday I will leave the number out lol.
This week went by so fast and was EXTREMELY busy. Kayla and I didnt get home til after 9pm or later each night b/c of Vacation Bible school.
Chris and I actually had a date night Wednesday. It was really nice we hadnt done that in forever. We had dinner, saw a movie, then sat down on a bench at the levee by the river and just talked for a bit. After wards I found myself feeling guilty for having a nice time, which I have done a lot lately. I know that is silly. But I just cant help it. There is a HUGE part of me, of US missing. I know someday we will be reunited with that missing part in heaven.
Joshua 1:9
...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Has it really been 3 weeks...
3 weeks ago today little did we know that our lives would forever be changed. Scared and yet healed all in the same day.
3 weeks ago today at this time Chris and I were settling down in our room at the hospital. The same labor and delivery room that just hours before was filled will tons of loving people all there to help and support us. It was late and we were both exhausted yet WIDE awake. I remember it clearly the nurse had asked if we wanted to keep Korbin all night in our room with us we had both decided no. I knew I would never have slept with him there so still. I had needed sleep, Chris had needed sleep.
This week was the hardest week ever. We both went back to work. Him on Monday and I was off like usual on my Mondays. The house seemed empty and odd. Not only did I not have my pregnant belly, or a baby but now there was no Chris there to talk to all day.
Tuesday, Wed, and Thur I went to work. And just like Life before Korbin I got home really late and was super busy all day til I sat down in my chair after 9pm.
I saw pregnant people and my first thought was THAT SHOULD BE ME! I saw babies and thought I SHOULD HAVE MINE!!
On Friday my cousin came over to help me get all the beautiful plants people had give us in the ground so they didnt die. Then I had a couple of Errands to run, so I decided to go visit Korbin..where I had the sickest most violated feeling I have ever felt my whole life. The beautiful and cute things everyone had decorated my sons grave with was GONE. The cemetery had "cleaned" up on Wed and THREW away the things due to mowing...which I am kinda upset about my sons grave is still fresh there is NO GRASS to be mowed I dont understand why even the pinwheel couldnt have been left there :( It was like a slap in the face for a brief moment of panic I felt like I had lost a part of him all over again.
We booked a vacation for next month to Myrtle Beach..JUST the three of us..something we just realized we have NEVER done gone away and it be just us!!
In the past we have always gone WITH family or friends , or gone to visit family. Which isnt a bad thing it will be nice after all that has happened to have just some US time!
We finished the week out with a BUSY weekend. We had the first ever Annual Soldano family reunion we got to see tons of Chris family. Some I had never met yet, and some we hadnt seen in YEARS. It was a LONG day but really nice to spend it with family. Kayla had a blast
To be continued Tomorrow is the beginning of week two of trying to carry on with life....
3 weeks ago today at this time Chris and I were settling down in our room at the hospital. The same labor and delivery room that just hours before was filled will tons of loving people all there to help and support us. It was late and we were both exhausted yet WIDE awake. I remember it clearly the nurse had asked if we wanted to keep Korbin all night in our room with us we had both decided no. I knew I would never have slept with him there so still. I had needed sleep, Chris had needed sleep.
This week was the hardest week ever. We both went back to work. Him on Monday and I was off like usual on my Mondays. The house seemed empty and odd. Not only did I not have my pregnant belly, or a baby but now there was no Chris there to talk to all day.
Tuesday, Wed, and Thur I went to work. And just like Life before Korbin I got home really late and was super busy all day til I sat down in my chair after 9pm.
I saw pregnant people and my first thought was THAT SHOULD BE ME! I saw babies and thought I SHOULD HAVE MINE!!
On Friday my cousin came over to help me get all the beautiful plants people had give us in the ground so they didnt die. Then I had a couple of Errands to run, so I decided to go visit Korbin..where I had the sickest most violated feeling I have ever felt my whole life. The beautiful and cute things everyone had decorated my sons grave with was GONE. The cemetery had "cleaned" up on Wed and THREW away the things due to mowing...which I am kinda upset about my sons grave is still fresh there is NO GRASS to be mowed I dont understand why even the pinwheel couldnt have been left there :( It was like a slap in the face for a brief moment of panic I felt like I had lost a part of him all over again.
We booked a vacation for next month to Myrtle Beach..JUST the three of us..something we just realized we have NEVER done gone away and it be just us!!
In the past we have always gone WITH family or friends , or gone to visit family. Which isnt a bad thing it will be nice after all that has happened to have just some US time!
We finished the week out with a BUSY weekend. We had the first ever Annual Soldano family reunion we got to see tons of Chris family. Some I had never met yet, and some we hadnt seen in YEARS. It was a LONG day but really nice to spend it with family. Kayla had a blast
To be continued Tomorrow is the beginning of week two of trying to carry on with life....
God, Take This Child.... By Nancy Scott
Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.
We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.
We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.
It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.
God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)
God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.
We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.
We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.
It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.
God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)
God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The final resting place..
So yesterday morning was the burial. He was laid to rest at St Joesph's in the baby Garden. And it couldnt have been a more PERFECT spot. He is right under a Huge tree at the end of the row right next to a bench where I can go sit and visit him.
It was a beautiful morning the sky was so blue. At the end Kayla got to release a balloon and she said Daddy Jesus is gonna catch this and give it to Korbin to play with. :(
I have been trying to rest since I had some cramping going on probably from not getting much rest.
Tomorrow is Kaylas last day of school and she is graduating preschool ..FINALLY after 3 long years.
I am working on thank you cards for the gifts we have received my mind has been MUSH so if you don't get one its not that we are not grateful..we just simply forgot so I will apologize in advance :)
I close with a picture of Korbin with his eyes open :)
It was a beautiful morning the sky was so blue. At the end Kayla got to release a balloon and she said Daddy Jesus is gonna catch this and give it to Korbin to play with. :(
I have been trying to rest since I had some cramping going on probably from not getting much rest.
Tomorrow is Kaylas last day of school and she is graduating preschool ..FINALLY after 3 long years.
I am working on thank you cards for the gifts we have received my mind has been MUSH so if you don't get one its not that we are not grateful..we just simply forgot so I will apologize in advance :)
I close with a picture of Korbin with his eyes open :)
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