and the weeks just keeping going by.....

Dear God I would like to return this shiny new car I did not buy it , I did NOT want it and I can NOT afford this lease :(

Ok some of you get that, for those of you that dont I feel lately like I have the "new car curse" you know the one where you pick the perfect car. The "new" one you've never seen before and are sure to WOW people with. Then you pull it off the lot and its EVERYWHERE!!
Well I assure you THIS type of new car I DEFINITELY did NOT ask for...does anyone???
I am speaking of death ...it SUCKS!!!

Since my last post....

my sweet dear cousin Patty called me one night to tell me her niece just dropped dead while playing at a local party place. She was TEN..yes only ten WTH. They are still not 100% sure WHY it happened ...possible unknown heart condition. This was a ROUGH one again and for the 3rd time I just physically couldnt attend the funeral :( I wish I could have been there for her but I know it would have just made the situation worse. :(

Then a mom from my encephlocele support group posted her brother in law (only 19) had died suddenly of a freak accident. She had to pack her newborn who recently had brain surgery up and fly across the country to say goodbye to the brother who hadn got to meet his new niece yet :(

Then earlier this week I got a call that a friend who had been fighting stage IV inflammatory breast was in the hospital and not doing well. Just days later she was moved to Hospice where she passed. I was(am) devastated. I never got to say goodbye I went back and forth debating going up to say goodbye but I wasnt sure I could handle it and didnt want it to be about "me" I know that decision will HAUNT me forever. Since my diagnosis with Korbin she had been checking on me at least twice a week she was that kind of person. While she was fighting the cancer that had spread to her brain and spine, she was taking time to be concerned about me :(
And this is the huge loss this world will suffer. The loss of someone so caring and kind she would take time from her need to heal to check on others.

I remember meeting her on cincymoms (local moms board) Her son who was @16M old at the time was driving her nuts :) he was a mover and a shaker. She desperately needed one of those play yards to corral him in to get yard work done.
I had never met her in person but I spent 3hrs that following Saturday going from yard sale to yard sale to find her one. I could tell just by typed words on a screen that she was person worth doing this for. That she would have done it, if it was reversed. Little did i know she would repay me 10x fold by her care and concern just 3 1/2 yrs later

This morning I went to the visitation to pay my respects and give my deepest sympathies to her family. I did not say goodbye however b/c I know someday I WILL see her again.
As someone said "I'd like to think she is holding your baby right now" I would bet good money on it. Ashely LOVED kids, and more than anything her own two, they were her WORLD. She left behind 9 & 5 yr old. They had to say goodbye (for now) to their 41yr old mom. Its not fair NO ONE should have to grow up with out a mom.
Mom's are the ones who make it ALL better. I will never forget her.


I have had some REALLY bad dreams lately. I have told them to a few people. I will spare you the details. I assure you they are morbid and gross.

I told my BFF last night that if God is trying to break me he is DAMN close. My faith hasnt wavered i know HE knows what he is doing but that does NOT mean I have to understand it..b/c i dont
Then she said something that hadnt even occurred to me she said........
"if we are meant to understand there would be no need for church or prayer"
Wow she is right ..but I still have questions for him when I get there :)

In just 2 days my sweet angel would have been 3M old. Its weird to think now that I would have a 3M old. How different this summer would have been, and I would have loved EVERY min of it. It seems I miss him more and more everyday.

Yes this year has sucked but as a friend pointed out only FOUR MORE MONTHS to go and I am hoping my sister can help end this year on a GOOD NOTE :)

2 weeks ago we went on our annual Soldano lake vacation with Chris's family. It was nice. I did however drink to much one day (damn home made sangria) and had a little break down. Luckily I was with my girls Mandy, Donna and Sarah ...BTW Mandy Eric was NOT MAD ;)
(pictures below the first one was the sky when we arrived at the lake house )

We enjoyed the 1st annual block party here in our neighborhood it was nice to meet all the neighbors FINALLY!!

Next Thursday my baby girl starts Kindergarten. Its been a LONG road to here. I am really stressing about it. I hope this year goes well for her. I have already purchased BonBonerie cookies to start the showering of gifts early :) Poor Mrs Neihaus she has NO IDEA whats about to hit her lol (or the poor bus driver)


That's about all i can think of for now. I have had a lot of thoughts in my mind but never make time to blog.
Thank you for still listening!



Please hug your babies and loved one often. Never go to bed angry. And if your first thought is to DO it then DO it never live with regrets...they tear you down!!



The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34:18