Lately people have mentioned "how are you doing I know his birthday is getting close"
And the answer is different based on my mood that day.
>Today for example if you asked me how I was doing today it would be a BAD BAD day. I am actually practically in tears as I write this. I have been off and on to tears all day. Not just because tomorrow is mothers day and I miss my sweet boy SOOO MUCH.
But also because of the emotional roller coaster my family has been on lately.
There is nothing like a 1am phone call to meet your Cousin(whose like a sister) at the gas station to take her kid so she can rush her husband to the ER who is having bad reactions to the Chemo he received that day.
When you get this scared little 7year old who cant stop repeating over and over "I am so scared, I am so terrified is my daddy going to die today Tonya"..and you dont have a straight answer for this fragile heart..because the truth is NONE of us know if we will die today.
I couldnt lie to her and say he's going to be all right because I dont know if he will. All I could do was promise her SHE was going to be all right because NO MATTER what happens we all were going to take care of her.
I dont know what hurt worse watching my son take his last heart beats in my husbands arms or listening to that scared little girl CRY herself to sleep in the next room.
Now some of you are probably thinking right now.. wait a minute did she just promise her she was going to be alright even tho her dad might die. I know what you some of you are thinking but I have been there and even tho I hurt EVERY single day.. I AM alright.
I have Jesus he loves me and someday I WILL see my son again.(even tho my daughter claims to see him NOW and often)
anyway so that is where I am on a roller coaster. I am just taking each day, day by day. That is really all anyone can do.
I have surrendered to the fact I am not 100% in control and I need to LIVE my life and not wallow in what I can not change at this moment.
Kayla amazing little ball of energy has managed to keep me VERY busy, with school, sports, dance, girl scouts
In just 10 short days my angel would have been 1. I am surrounded but 1somethings every single day. Lots of 1st birthday celebrations lately and it sucks. I never will get to have a party with messy baby to wash cake off of. I wont get to hold him and blow the candles out for him or watch as grandmas pass him around giving birthday kisses. It is also a reminder there will be no first steps, words, days of school, proms, graduation, weddings just me a picture and a few 3D hand and foot molds.
Would he have been a teacher, a doctor, or in the electric/lighting biz like his daddy. Would have been the all star sports boy his daddy has always dreamed of or would he have been the glee/drama geek just to make daddy miserable.
Could this post get any more depressing.. well it could but I will stop and end on happier notes.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (New International Version)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
This has always been my very favorite bible verse ever since I was young. I never knew why this was the one that would just be so special. I choose it to be read at Korbin's service...after all it was LOVE that brought him to me, LOVE that choose to give him a fighting chance, LOVE that surrounded him at his birth and peaceful depart. and LOVE that surrounds our family EVERY single time he is a thought or even just because.
I choose the new international version because i LOVE that it uses it
PROTECTS.... it is what protected us to get us through the blessed horrific ordeal
Trusts.. it is what gave him the chance my trust in the Lord
Hopes... i had hope it would be alright no matter what
perseveres.. because it DID Love in the end WON!! We didnt let the Devil fool us with false promises we let LOVE guide us. Jesus gave me that love when he choose death to give me life.. eternal life.
So I end with saying thank you all again who have showered us with that love. It really is what makes the world go round.
If you have not heard of the sweet miracle baby Nora..please visit her blog and read it will really brighten your day and give you a smile and maybe a smidgen of hope if you so need it
http://iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com/
For those mothers out there I wish a happy mothers day. And for the ones like me who are missing a part of their heart in the flesh tomorrow I wish you peace, understanding and LOVE. For I know the heartbreak you will feel.
finally Next sunday May 20th at noon we will be having a Balloon release ceremony grave side at Korbins grave to honor him and say a few prayers. We hope that many of you can make it. There is an event page on Facebook please RSVP so we can have enough balloons
Thanks again everyone!! <3
No comments:
Post a Comment