yesterday marks 5M

So yesterday was 5M since we had Korbin.
Chris had been in Portland, Oregon ALL week. it was the longest he had ever been out of town and it was the LONGEST week ever.
After we picked him at the airport we went to HallZOOween we were had a really nice time. Daddy had been up ALL night catching flights home.

Last night (after daddy got a much needed nap) we went out to dinner to celebrate 3, 40th Birthdays for some close friends. It was a nice time and good to be out with friends and laughing.


Alot of you have asked whats going on with my parents building. This week they FINALLY started the clean up. EVERYTHING in the building had to be thrown out. They brought many dumpsters to clear it out.
They plan to strip the building down to the rafters and rebuild.
We are told this could take 3-4 months depending on weather. Hopefully it will be a painless process since it sounds to be a long one.

This week was an emotional one for me a woman in the encephalocele support group said hello and goodbye to her dear son on Monday. Then on Wed on of my very good friends had her sweet HEALTHY baby girl.

..And Just for FUN lets throw in a devestating FIRE!!!

First and most importantly NO ONE was injured!!

Ok so as many of you heard. The building my parents own that we have been operating our family business out of for 11yrs experienced a really bad fire yesterday. What wasnt damaged by fire was COMPLETELY damaged by water. The fire chief said it was @ 60,000 gallons of water to put that fire out. For those of you that dont live close by and didnt see any of it in person. That was THREE fire trucks with hoses on it for over an hour.
Our roof on the bldg is a flat roof ..if you have ever seen one of those it has a wall around the roof. This one is about 4Ft tall...and when they were done it was FULL...the bldg is about 40long and 15ft wide picture that.(like a public swimming pool such as phillips ..ON our roof)

and because the fire was ON the roof there were MANY holes so almost ALL that water went down into the bldg b/c as we all know what goes up MUST come down :(

Right after the fire was out one of the firemen said they would let us in soon to start getting some things out that could be saved...then not even 15mins later the water just started POURING down :( At that point it was not safe so they wouldnt let us in.
There are drains up there but of course they were clogged with Debris. It was much to dangerous for the fireman to try and get up there to clean it out since they couldnt see the roof (the water was to dirty)

It was all so emotional going from OH no we've lost EVERYTHING, to ok its really not THAT bad we're going be ok, to its not safe you cant go in and losing EVERYTHING again.
I really think I aged 10yrs yesterday I kept thinking all day this CANT be happening this has to be a dream.

First I want to say that The Fire Dept of Delhi (and other dept volunteers) were AMAZING yesterday. I didnt make it there til the fire was almost out. But they did an amazing JOB as some of you saw the pictures on TV the whole roof was engulfed in flames it was BAD!!

They believe what started the fire had to do with the heat process the roofer was using to put on our new roof. They said something got too hot underneath the new roof where they were using the torches and just smoldered all night til it finally took off in flames.
The guy felt so bad and stayed all day to help with whatever he could.
He kept saying you guys are so calm I would be so mad at me.
I looked at him and said "accidents happen! Stuff is simply that just stuff. If you knew what my family has been through already this year you would understand as devastating as this all is it is MINUSCULE compared to that."


The year of bad luck started last year when my parents dog drowned in their pool. Then my mom was hospitalized with Pneumonia and shortly after that she was mugged at walmart where her purse was stolen by some thug.
That all happened in Oct of 2010. I am PRAYING that our year of bad luck is coming to an end

I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but man as some friends said yesterday he either is testing us for sainthood or has some REALLY big confidence in our family!

I would like to look back in 10, 20yrs and have this be the year we can say our family outshine..not just survived. That we persevered above all the darkness and made it b/c we STUCK together. That it will be a story we can tell our grandchildren of how with LOVE and FAITH you CAN make it through ANYTHING.
There have certainly been downs but we have had some up. We have a LOT to give thanks for. We have had more family and friends show love and support this year than most people see a WHOLE LIFE TIME. And there is not enough "stuff" in the world that could over value that!



Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things
Colossians 3:2

4 months down only the rest of my life to go...

So today marked 4 LOOOONG months since We held Korbin in our arms.
I remember that day O so CLEAR. I remember the anxious, excited, SCARED to death feeling.
Excited b/c I could NOT wait to finally meet face to face my sweet precious boy. To hold him in my arms kiss him smell him tell him I LOVED him.
I never gave up hope that we would get to keep him. When he came out I remember the NICU nurse saying excited with a smile "we got a strong heartbeat here" not until I heard her say just 30 or so minutes later "his heart rate was decreasing" I will never forget that I can still hear her voice in my head..I have no clue what she looks like. I dont remember she could pass me on the street I would never know..unless she spoke :( These are words that will HAUNT me forever.
"If" I get pregnant again I know I am gonna be on PINS and needles the WHOLE time...right down to wheeling me out of the hospital again.
I dont think people understand when something traumatic like this happens how it can affect your WHOLE life.
Yesterday we had an employee we had to let go at work he just wasnt working out and MANY MANY customers were complaining about him. He then made SERIOUS, serious threats on me and my dad. It was such a LONG stressful day. The me eight months ago would have laughed and probably hung up on him. The me post Korbin panicked called the police, cried, locked the door and had paranoia all day. Now I watch my back EVERYWHERE I go. Tonight I went for a quick walk with Kayla in our neighborhood...just across the street to the woods to collect leaves. I left the garage open and the door unlocked normally I wouldnt think twice about this but when we returned I FREAKED thinking what if someone got in and was hiding.

I have been told by others it does get better WHEN> I am patiently waiting but it doesnt seem to be even inching that way.

This evening I got a very touching email from a woman who helped us during pregnancy and after birth (strings of pearls) She has emailed me EVERY month just to let me know she was thinking of us. She must have TONS Of people who contact her daily for support I have NO IDEA how she keeps up with all of it. Most of our family and friends dont remember (or at least they dont say anything) It was really nice of her. Her Daughter Pearl had a terminal diagnosis also :( I guess she just knows how bad it SUCKS!!

That is all i have for now I know its all bad news. I have been told lately the endless bad news is getting old and people are sick of hearing it. Sorry I wish I had better news..BELIEVE me I wish I did.

108 and days to go...(but whos counting)

Ok I am and believe me I AM going to party like it's 1999 come New years...next year has GOT to be better!!

Yesterday I went to visit my son the cemetery had called the marker was FINALLY installed (pic below) It was sad and sweet all at the same time.
It is the only thing we ever get to "buy" for him :(

Also yesterday my Moms life long (since kids) good friend passed away. She had a long and tiresome battle with Kidney disease. I know my mom is heartbroken :(

Monday I went for my 3M post delivery check-up. All went well I said I guess I see you for the yearly and she said "yes but I hope to see you sooner" with a smile. So to me that was the "all clear" to try again. Which we will be doing here SOON!
I would be lying if I didnt say I am scared SHITLESS, since genetics told us it could very well happen again.
I am not sure if I posted in the last updates but Good Sam had "accidentally" threw out the cord blood my OB had collected for Childrens Genetics. The woman we were meeting with had called just a dew days after our last appt to tell us.
Well apparently no one had informed my OB and the look on her face was shock, disappointment and anger i could see it, and I KNOW how she felt :(
I said maybe we were meant to never have 100% answers. She replied (with a smile)"ya know and if I know you, the answers wouldnt have mattered you were trying again 100% right?" and yes she is right :)


So far Kayla is doing "OK" in Kindergarten. We are having some stay seated issues with the bus so pray she doesnt get kicked off lol

I had so much more to say but i forgot now. I really need to update more but sometimes i just dont have the energy.

This one shows the vase which we went ahead and ordered too

and the weeks just keeping going by.....

Dear God I would like to return this shiny new car I did not buy it , I did NOT want it and I can NOT afford this lease :(

Ok some of you get that, for those of you that dont I feel lately like I have the "new car curse" you know the one where you pick the perfect car. The "new" one you've never seen before and are sure to WOW people with. Then you pull it off the lot and its EVERYWHERE!!
Well I assure you THIS type of new car I DEFINITELY did NOT ask for...does anyone???
I am speaking of death ...it SUCKS!!!

Since my last post....

my sweet dear cousin Patty called me one night to tell me her niece just dropped dead while playing at a local party place. She was TEN..yes only ten WTH. They are still not 100% sure WHY it happened ...possible unknown heart condition. This was a ROUGH one again and for the 3rd time I just physically couldnt attend the funeral :( I wish I could have been there for her but I know it would have just made the situation worse. :(

Then a mom from my encephlocele support group posted her brother in law (only 19) had died suddenly of a freak accident. She had to pack her newborn who recently had brain surgery up and fly across the country to say goodbye to the brother who hadn got to meet his new niece yet :(

Then earlier this week I got a call that a friend who had been fighting stage IV inflammatory breast was in the hospital and not doing well. Just days later she was moved to Hospice where she passed. I was(am) devastated. I never got to say goodbye I went back and forth debating going up to say goodbye but I wasnt sure I could handle it and didnt want it to be about "me" I know that decision will HAUNT me forever. Since my diagnosis with Korbin she had been checking on me at least twice a week she was that kind of person. While she was fighting the cancer that had spread to her brain and spine, she was taking time to be concerned about me :(
And this is the huge loss this world will suffer. The loss of someone so caring and kind she would take time from her need to heal to check on others.

I remember meeting her on cincymoms (local moms board) Her son who was @16M old at the time was driving her nuts :) he was a mover and a shaker. She desperately needed one of those play yards to corral him in to get yard work done.
I had never met her in person but I spent 3hrs that following Saturday going from yard sale to yard sale to find her one. I could tell just by typed words on a screen that she was person worth doing this for. That she would have done it, if it was reversed. Little did i know she would repay me 10x fold by her care and concern just 3 1/2 yrs later

This morning I went to the visitation to pay my respects and give my deepest sympathies to her family. I did not say goodbye however b/c I know someday I WILL see her again.
As someone said "I'd like to think she is holding your baby right now" I would bet good money on it. Ashely LOVED kids, and more than anything her own two, they were her WORLD. She left behind 9 & 5 yr old. They had to say goodbye (for now) to their 41yr old mom. Its not fair NO ONE should have to grow up with out a mom.
Mom's are the ones who make it ALL better. I will never forget her.


I have had some REALLY bad dreams lately. I have told them to a few people. I will spare you the details. I assure you they are morbid and gross.

I told my BFF last night that if God is trying to break me he is DAMN close. My faith hasnt wavered i know HE knows what he is doing but that does NOT mean I have to understand it..b/c i dont
Then she said something that hadnt even occurred to me she said........
"if we are meant to understand there would be no need for church or prayer"
Wow she is right ..but I still have questions for him when I get there :)

In just 2 days my sweet angel would have been 3M old. Its weird to think now that I would have a 3M old. How different this summer would have been, and I would have loved EVERY min of it. It seems I miss him more and more everyday.

Yes this year has sucked but as a friend pointed out only FOUR MORE MONTHS to go and I am hoping my sister can help end this year on a GOOD NOTE :)

2 weeks ago we went on our annual Soldano lake vacation with Chris's family. It was nice. I did however drink to much one day (damn home made sangria) and had a little break down. Luckily I was with my girls Mandy, Donna and Sarah ...BTW Mandy Eric was NOT MAD ;)
(pictures below the first one was the sky when we arrived at the lake house )

We enjoyed the 1st annual block party here in our neighborhood it was nice to meet all the neighbors FINALLY!!

Next Thursday my baby girl starts Kindergarten. Its been a LONG road to here. I am really stressing about it. I hope this year goes well for her. I have already purchased BonBonerie cookies to start the showering of gifts early :) Poor Mrs Neihaus she has NO IDEA whats about to hit her lol (or the poor bus driver)


That's about all i can think of for now. I have had a lot of thoughts in my mind but never make time to blog.
Thank you for still listening!



Please hug your babies and loved one often. Never go to bed angry. And if your first thought is to DO it then DO it never live with regrets...they tear you down!!



The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Psalm 34:18

Anniversaries and the vacation refresher ....

So its been awhile I apologize I mean to update then get tired or busy and forget

Last Thursday was Chris and I's 10 year anniversary. The last 10 yrs sure have been a test of for better or worse. We have had plenty of downs. Chris losing his job, having family members die some WAY to young. Taking a huge loss financially on the sale of our old home. MANY MANY health issues with family members. Behavioral issues with Kayla. And too much more to mention. But NONE of that would prepare us for the down of having our son die.
Even with all of those.. the ups out weigh the downs 10 fold. We have each other, Kayla wonderful family and SOO many great caring friends and neighbors that we are so very thankful for and feel so blessed to have.
We celebrated our anniversary with Dinner on wed at the Final cut it was a quite peaceful dinner. We toasted to Korbin
Friday Korbin would have been 2M old I miss him so much.


July 8th we went to Myrtle Beach our 1st family vacation just the 3 of us. I usually have everything packed and planned to the T days before. I didnt even pack us til 7pm on the 8th. We slept in everyday made no plans. Went to the pool and just hung out it was so unlike me and frankly quite liberating. We had a wonderful time and just what we needed some together time.

So last monday we had our appt with Childrens Hospital Human Genetics Dept. As usual it was another appt of ...let wait and see. Our favorite new game I think I have already perfected that so it can go away now..
We learned some things
#1 (which we already assumed but hoped not) they are 99.99% sure it WAS something genetic with Korbin and not just one of those things that happens.
Why, well it was explained that he had more than one anomalies and none of them could have caused the other. So with multiple things that means genetic.
#2 they have strong GUESSES as to the two possible syndromes Korbin had
Meckle - Gruber or COACH ...which we were told over lap on symptoms.
The complications are that BOTH of those each have a 25% chance of reoccurring problems with EACH pregnancy...keeping in mind if Renal (kidney) anomalies repeat that is high chance of mortality again :(
#3 since these syndromes require that BOTH parents each pass a recessive gene onto the fetus/child there is a 50% (or more) chance Kayla is a carrier...having chance one of us passed it to her. Meaning this could affect her pregnancies and children.
While the genetics DR informed us (more like tried to ease our worries) that although our current situation is very real for us, the chances of two people who are carriers actually finding each other out there is really rare...almost as rare as the conditions.

What they are offering us at this time is they are trying to recover the cord blood collected at birth for testing and they are sending everything they have on Korbin to a special group in Seattle who specializes in these types of things...we still may never get definite answers...

Were does this leave us..... it has not changed our minds about trying to have another child. Again we believe there is someone else in charge at all times only he knows when, why , where ect..
All we can do is PRAY. I have had people say HOW CAN YOU GO THROUGH that again and I say.. Korbin. How can we NOT.. if we gave up or never tried we wouldnt have had Korbin I dont for ONE SECOND ever regret him or the brief time we shared with him.
I have searched for the WHY answers WHY did this have to happen to us. For those of you reading who have been through this you know there are NO answers. It sucks. And once, twice or three times makes no difference to me. Especially if there is a chance we can have a healthy baby to take home.

I will keep you all update if anything comes back on the cord blood testing or anything from the group in seattle.


I feel like I had so much more to share this blog entry but I wait to long in between posts I have since forgotten..oops sorry.


Thank you to all who prayed for the Merk family.
Sadly again I need to ask prayers of comfort for another couple The Volz's who lost their (first) child their son Gabriel was born with a rare form of cancer. He was a fighter born June 28th and passed away last Saturday July 23rd.
They are kind and caring people I will never understand why god chooses who he does for these things I just have to have faith.
Please pray for peace and comfort for them during this EXTREMELY difficult time

mysterious angels, the wishing well, and our family takes another hit or two...

I will start with the latter.
It started out as a normal holiday weekend. We went to our camp for the first half and finished the second half off with friends and family.
While at camp I got a text from my sister (service there is touch and go you cant dial out to save a life..literally) it read.."did you hear about the baby giraffe" So I instantly tried to bring up facebook to find out what she was talking about sure enough I had service got to the Cincy zoo page and read the horrific update :( (oddly i couldnt get service again after that)
For those of you who dont know Giraffes are VERY special animals to our family, simply they are Kayla's very favorite. She has had a tiny stuffed one she has carried around since she was 9 months old named cappuccino (or cappy as we call her) when kayla heard the zoo was going to have a BABY one well you would have thought this kid won the lottery or something she was BEYOND excited. In fact due to my bed rest I didnt get to take her to see the baby until just this past Monday the 27th
When Korbin died friends of ours even donated in his memory to Zuri the baby.
The loss of the baby giraffe was a difficult one to us..we havent even told Kayla yet and dont plan to until we are on vacation.. a HAPPY place to help ease the pain.

Then hours after getting that call we got word from some dear friends of ours that Tony Merk the little 6yo (bravest little man i have never met) who was battling brain cancer was taking a turn for the worse. His family had done all they could (and the term above and beyond doesnt even describe it here folks) he had emergency surgery on Sunday which the Drs frankly said only bought very little time.
Yesterday at 6:20 pm Tony earned his angel wings and INDEPENDENCE from pain and suffering and went on into the hands of our lord.
This was a LONG painful journey that Chris and I followed closely. Many of the Merks are very dear close friends of ours. Chris has been friends with them since a teenager and they are like family to us.
On the way home from my mom and dads last night Chris and I were saying what a REALLY nice weekend we had. We were surrounded by many friends and family. It was relaxing even tho we ran around a lot and it had almost seemed to good to be true...and sadly it was :(
We had prayed for weeks (months) for a FULL recovery of that precious little man. I had even prayed "oh please lord if my sons brain has to be damaged then HEAL Tony's give him the good working parts so that he may live a full life"
but as always God has other plans and we will never understand them in this world.



The mysterious angel...we are not sure but some time a few weeks ago an adorable white angel statue sitting reading a book just appeared on the back corner of Korbins grave. We thought it belonged to the boy behind him..Austin. So we kept moving it back and it kept inching forward. Last week when the three of us went to visit it had been place SMACK dab in the center of korbins grave as to say HERE silly this belongs HERE!! We are not sure who placed it there or if it truly belongs. No one in our family knows where it came from. But oddly it is VERY fitting you see because Kayla LOVES books. When I say loves I really mean loves. Since she was able to sit up she has had a book shelf in her toy room. At the old house on Morrvue the shelf sat right in the playroom doorway. She used to sit there and pull EVERY book off the shelf to look at. Then after a month or so my very smart best friend (who loves to organize and rearrange entire households lol) said I think we need to move the bookshelf to the other wall that way if she pulls all the books off they wont be all over the floor in the doorway. So we moved it :)
To this day I cant get our of reading at least TWO books a night. Sometimes I will go in at night and she will be up still reading books in bed.
So to whoever has left the angel we love it THANKS :)

and finally The wishing well...
many of you hear this and think maybe one of those things they have at the zoo or museum center you drop the coins in and they spin round and around. Or maybe you are picturing a good ole fashion one like the one snow white sang into with the roped bucket.
Nope that is not what I am talking about here.
Last Thursday I took Kayla to McD's for dinner while placing our order Kayla noticed one of the coin collection containers for the Ronald McDonald house and she asked "mommy is that a wishing well? can I have money to make a wish?"
I stood there in awe for a moment of how a tiny child could bring a realization that we were too blinded to see before. You see I had personally (even tho we always put our change in there) had never looked at it that way...but that is EXACTLY what those boxes are.
One of the moms I have recently met from our Encephalocele support group had just had her son (at 32wks) and was actually using the RMH to stay at while her son Liam was in the NICU. She had been describing all the wonderful accommodations they had there. And best of all THIS particular RMH was RIGHT INSIDE THE HOSPITAL.
Most people dont realize what its like to have a child at the hospital and have to drive so far home and back to be with them that alone is a GREAT reward.
SO after pondering Kaylas question I looked at her and replied "why yes baby it IS a wishing well it helps MANY sick babies like our Korbin be close to their familes" and I handed her a $5 bill and said now make a big wish for those sick babies!!



So its been business as usual for us (running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off)
we are preparing for our family vacation next week.

We ask all of you still following our blog to please pray for peace and comfort for the entire Merk family (and there are a ton of them :) ) as they go through this very difficult and trying time


God bless you all and HUG and KISS your loved ones often!!!